The Heart of the Matter, The Crux of the Matter

I'm a thinker, I've always been one. Since I could remember, I never understood why all my thoughts can occur at one time. It gets frustrating. So I began writing. I journaled and wrote stories since I was seven years old. I remember keeping a notebook for all my thoughts and feelings.

Once day, my sister read my diary, and I was livid. She started laughing at the things I wrote, reading aloud line by line, and I felt ashamed. When she saw me cry, she tried to be funny and make me smile. So I was laughing and crying at the same time. I'm sure some of you know the feeling. How could I experience joy in the midst of feeling angry?

God has made us so complex that we cannot even begin to fathom ourselves. Even in a lifetime, there's still so much we learn about who we really are. How much longer will it take to learn about God, the creator of the universe? Science tells us that we are all just a bunch of matter, chemically and perfectly arranged so we may have life. God said, he breathed life into us. Could both be true?

Have you ever heard the idiom, "heart of the matter"? Sometimes in argument, or intense frustration of circling ideas, one would say, "It's about time we get to the heart of the matter." I've always understood the phrase to mean we should look at the most important aspects or central issue. As we know, the heart is a "vital organ" in the human body.

It's funny, another saying (and I don't know which came first) is the "crux of the matter." In English, crux signifies "difficulty" or "puzzle." In latin, crux means "cross." Now that I look at the saying, if we interchange crux and heart, they saying points to one, Jesus. 

The Heart of the Matter

The heart of the matter points to Jesus--the ever living Holy Spirit that lives in me. God is near to my broken heart, and when I fill my heart with him, I'm left with growing faith, yearning for more of Him.

God tells us a lot about our own hearts:

For broken and lost hearts

• He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds. -Pslam 147:3
• I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. -Ezekiel 36:26
• Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. -Psalm 51:10

For longing hearts

• Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. -Psalm 37:4
• Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. -Proverbs 3:5-6
• You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. -Jeremiah 29:13

For guarding your heart

• Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man. -Proverbs 3:3-4
• For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. -Matthew 6:21
• Jesus replied: 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' -Matthew 22:27
• Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. -Proverbs 4:23
• As water reflects the face, so one's life reflects the heart. -Proverbs 27:19

 

The Crux of the Matter

The crux of the matter also points to the cross--Jesus. My daughter always asks me, "If God loves me, why does he let bad things happen to me?" This questions often eats a way at many people. Why is a loving God stand by and watch me go through such pain? I often asked this question too. 

Obviously my trauma is mild compared to all kind of pain, suffering, and catastrophic events many people have to deal with. Why does a good, caring God allow for so much evil? The problem lies within the question of "why." 

I more than often realize that when my daughter is experience so much heartache, she's not really asking, why. Rather she is looking for empathy and expressions of love. Instead of trying to prove my point that God exists, I need to really listen to her heart, not her words. She's really saying, "I don't want to feel this anymore, mom." I remember the heart of the matter.

One of my favorite authors, C.S. Lewis, who's known for The Chronicles of Narnia books, was once an atheist. In his journey he discovered that the absence of God is the absence of evil. Then everything would be senseless. God and evil co-exist, and without one the other cease to exist. Therefore, I acknowledge that evil exist, but have faith that Jesus overcame it on the cross, reconciling me to God.

Jesus shows us the right way to respond to suffering. Just as He died on the cross, through his pain, he ministered, prayed, and submitted to the Father. God uses my situations of suffering and pain to produce humility, and in the same way respond to others' suffering with humility just as he responds to us. Thus conforming to the image of Jesus and developing a Godly character. 

Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the wilderness these forty years, to humble and test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. -Deuteronomy 8:2

 

I try to embrace my suffering and see it as a revelation to what God reveals to me about who I am and who He is. I realized just how he continues to refine me through the hardships. Just as Christ suffered on the cross, he did it in submission and humility, and crowned King of Glory.

The heart of the matter, the crux of the matter--I don't know where these sayings originated from. But now they have another meaning to me. In my fleshly struggles, I will try to recall the heart or crux of the matter, seeking after God's heart, embracing my tribulations, and responding in humility. I find it amazing how the words, heart, crux, vital organ, difficulty, and cross are all used interchangeable to remind me of what needs to be the center of my life. After all, there is no peace without calamity, and there is no matter without a creator. So what point is there dwelling over suffering? Instead, I pray to keep my eyes fixed on the heart and crux of the matter--Jesus.

Shame, Shame, Shame (ding)

"I am the light of the world.  Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life" -John 8:12

It took a long time for me to publish this blog because it covers a really sensitive topic. Shame.

Where Shaming Began

I attended a Christian Preschool when I was three.  When a classmate did something wrong or broke a rule, the teacher would make all of us rub our right pointing finger over the other like we're making fire with sticks, as if we're shooting a wisp of guilt onto the child. In case that's not enough of shaming, we'd then say, "Shame Shame on...(insert student's name here)."  It would be embarrassing to be called out like that in front of the class.  Often times, the student would cry or put his head down.  

It happened to me once when I was not paying attention in class.  Instead of following the lesson, a girl that sat behind me wanted to play with my hair, and I let her.  The next instant, the class was calling "Shame, shame on Ryann Hernandez."  I was mortified!  The teacher wrote my name on the board, and I felt like I just wanted to die. My eyes swelled up, and I dug my head into my arms, sitting quietly at my desk. For the whole day I couldn't think of anything or learn anything.  The only thing I remember was looking at my name on the board for the remainder of the day. The next day was better.  The board was wiped clean, and I smiled to see that my name was removed.  

Shame. To me, it's always been such a dirty word.  It tells us that something's wrong.  It makes us want to hide from ourselves, others, and God.  It tells us that who we are deep down, fundamentally, we're flawed. Shame likes to keep us in the dark where we can't see anything. Shame whispers to us that we are unworthy, unloved, alone and cannot be helped.  Shame is a liar!


When God made us, he blessed us with the gift of free will.  If not for free will, we cannot choose to love.  If we cannot chose to love, well then, what's the point here? We'd just all be a bunch of programmed robots roaming around.  However, in the beginning of creation, God walked with Adam and Eve.  They were so close to love, and as we know God is love.  

But anyone who does not love does not know God, for God is love 

1 John 4:8

When God created us, he made us without shame. 

And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed

-Genesis 2:25

However, shame was born out of sin.  After Adam and Eve took of the fruit, in which God commanded them not to eat. They then realized they were naked.  

So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree desirable to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate. She also gave to her husband with her, and he ate. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves coverings.

Genesis 3:6-7

God saw Adam when he took of the fruit.  He understood him and everything behind his action.  Remember God is all knowing, omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent.

• “Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth, He will not grow tired or weary and his understanding no one can fathom.” -Isaiah 40:28 

• “The eyes of the Lord are everywhere, keeping watch on the wicked and the good.” -Proverbs 15:3 

• “…for the Lord searches every heart, and understands every motive behind the thoughts. If you seek him, we will be found by you; but if you forsake him, he will reject you forever.” -1 Chronicles 28:9 

• “Ah, Sovereign Lord, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you.” -Jeremiah 32:17 

• “I am the Alpha and the Omega, says the Lord God, who is and who was, and who is to come. The Almighty.” -Revelation 1:8  

So what? Now what?

If God already knew where Adam was, knew that he sinned, and knew why he did it, why did the Lord call to him in verse nine, "Where are you?"  Then when Adam responded that he heard Him, and was afraid because he was naked, God asked him "Who told you that you were naked?"  Then to Eve, he asks, "What is this you have done?"

God knew all the answers to these questions yet he still asks them. Why?  You see, the amazing and awesome thing that God does is awakens our souls for true repentance. When we continue to hide and sulk in our shame, the further away we are from God. Adam and Eve covered themselves with fig leaves and animal skins, but they needed the covering of the atoning blood.

As I mentioned in my previous blog, I backslid for seven years. In that time, I hid my face from God.  I found it harder and harder to pray, although I faintly heard his voice asking, "Who do you say I am?" (Mark 8:29; Matthew 16:15).  I would not have an answer, knowing who he is, only for my shame to be revealed to me. He says, "I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting" (Acts 9:5).  Yes, in that time I still prayed, and told people I believed in God.  But my life spoke otherwise.  I wondered why I was still an empty shell trying to fill the void with worldly pleasures and partying.  Truth is, I was an empty shell, persecuting Jesus everyday, lacking the spirit of the Lord, only surrounding myself with worldly things, turning my face away from those in need.

God detests the prayers of a person who ignores the law. 

-Proverbs 28:9

Remember, God tells us, "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also" (Matthew 16:19-21).  My biggest fear in surrendering to God was the change I would have to make.  That meant, coming face to face with all my shame, and giving up everything I needed to hide.  I am asking readers today, if you are hiding in your shame, God says to come out of the darkness because "If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth.  But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin" (1John 1:6-7).  

The battle does not end here.  Although I've kicked shame in the butt in those occasions, baring all my sins to God and accepting his forgiveness, it gets a little tricky when learning to live in light with others.  If you are a parent, you know what I means.  Those kids can really expose your sins.  I could easily fall, just as Adam did over and over again. Paul warns us in Ephesians, "For at one time you were in darkness, but now you are light in the Lord.  Walk as children of light (for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true), and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord.  Take not part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them,  For it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret (Ephesians 5:8-16)

I mentioned above that it took me a long time to write because I was contemplating this topic.  Shame is such a sensitive issue and there are so many emotions attached to it.  For me, it is difficult to speak of my sins of the past. I do not boast in it, nor do I boast about being fully surrendered to God because there are always going to be unspoken areas in my life that humbles me.  I do however, praise God for all His goodness.  He receives the glory for His forgiveness and grace. I pray today for all who struggle.  May God's light shine upon you, and may you receive his saving grace today.

Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace. -Ephesians 4:3

Leaving the Business of Busyness

Now, therefore, thus says the Lord of hosts: Consider your ways. You have sown much, and harvested little. You eat, but you never have enough; you drink, but you never have your fill. You clothe yourselves, but no one is warm. And he who earns wages does so to put them into a bag with holes. Thus says the Lord of hosts: Consider your ways. Go up to the hills and bring wood and build the house, that I may take pleasure in it and that I may be glorified, says the Lord. You looked for much, and behold, it came to little. And when you brought it home, I blew it away. Why? declares the Lord of hosts. Because of my house that lies in ruins, while each of you busies himself with his own house. -Haggai 1:5-9

This is the story of why and how I left the business of busyness! And I pray I never get sucked into that business again.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm all for the extra- and co- curricular activities.  As a teacher, I spend much of my time making sure that students are involved in both their school and community.  In my eight years of teaching, every year I advise a student organization, and I encourage my children to also be in a club or sport.  Growing up, I learned that being involved in these activities builds character and leadership.  In many educational literature reviews, studies show that there is a great correlation between extracurricular activities and student achievement.  In my experience, I standby this theory. 

I once believed that the busier I was, the better off I was.  The more activities my kids were in, the more equipped they will be for this world.  I'd judge others who sit around all day.  What truth lies in these statements?  After completing a days work, am I better off than I was yesterday? What success did I have?  What reward comes from vanity and neglecting God? Jay and I spent a lot of time, energy, and money supporting our children through soccer, volleyball, plays, musicals, performances, special presentations and fieldtrips, dinner dates, lunch dates, parties, etc.  For what? We were definitely busy bees.

But Jesus too, a busy man?
Yes, but what's the difference between Jesus and a busy bee?
That's a matter of heart.

For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. -Matthew 6:21

What is fulfilling your heart? Sometimes stuffing our schedule stockings to overflowing may still be leaving our souls empty.  What is truly in our motives behind our actions?  I'm guilty of filling my schedule so I do not have to be at home to face building relationships with my family.  I remember when I was in high school, I'd join any school activity, just to avoid having to spend time with family.  When children are trying to get away from you, there maybe an underlying problem there.  Building relationships can be difficult because it involves a lot of communication and recognizing faults of ourselves.  But when God brings us to recognize these things, we are able to repent and grow spiritually.  Busyness could stop this process.

Jesus was busy, but his busyness was different.  Jesus spent a lot of time with people and building relationships with others.  He shared in fellowship with the Father and his disciples.  He spent time healing the sick, making the lame walk, the blind see, the dumb hear, raising the dead, calling out demons, and preaching the word. His busyness was God's business, fulfilling the gospel.

Then, because so many people were coming and going that they did not even have a chance to eat, he said to them, "Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest." -Mark 6:31

 

Before I knew the Lord the way I do now, I used to think that we lived such a busy life, and by the times we arrived home, I was so exhausted! I would sleep and wake up still feeling tired.  My life was filled with a bunch of things I hardly remember.  I realized that I don't even remember these events because there was no purpose to it.  I was just doing it because it was a part of my schedule.  And me being a type A, everything had to be organized and the calendar had to be met. Oh man! I pray my children and family forgive me for being so controlling.  I'd even sometimes have anxiety attacks when running late or we're off schedule.

Today, I'm even busier than before, but not like it used to be.  Being busy isn't a bad thing, as long as our lives are not fulfilled by our activities.  Even though I'm busier than before,  I'm well rested because it is God who renews my strength, and the fulfillment of life comes by the Holy Spirit, and not by my activities.  I also have a relationship with my children and family.  We spend a lot of time together now that we are in the same business, serving God and others.  I still like keeping a schedule and being on time. That, I just consider a gift from God. But I no longer have panic attacks because we're running late because the peace of the Lord comes upon me when I call out the name of Jesus.

Let us consider our ways, as it says in Haggai.  Set our treasures above, and render our hearts to God for his works.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. -Matthew 11:28-30

Lollypop Tantrum and a Talking Donkey?

When did lollipops stop becoming so important in our lives?  We all like a sugary treat every now and then, but kids seem to enjoy it more than adults.  I heard somewhere that adults and children have the same amount of taste buds, but because a child’s tongue is smaller, they get more flavor.  Whether it’s a myth or scientific fact, I think we can agree that candy is a delicious treat. My toddler could attest to that! Somewhere along the line, we outgrow the cravings for candy and begin to crave other things. Maybe money, flashy cars, fashion attire, or the new techy fads. However, my son, Neo, is still in the candy phase.

My two year old especially likes lollipops.  He first tried this delicious sugar on a stick when he got his first haircut.  The barber gave him a lollipop so he could sit through the haircut.  Unlike his older brother, Neo will not stay still. Our five year old is calm, reserved, and obedient.  We could take him to the restaurant, movies, shopping, and have no problem at all.  It was so easy, we immediately wanted another child.  But when Neo came, we were pulling our hair.  He kept us up every night the first year after he was born. Of course, as parents, we don’t like to compare our children.  God creates everyone very differently for special reasons. Praise God for Neo’s energetic spirit! It just requires a little more creativity...and physical exercise.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. –Psalm 139:13-14

Lollipop Tantrum

Today, we had a meeting after Sunday service, and we were in the middle of some serious business (God’s business).  Neo kept running back and forth, persistently tugging at my arm.  I could tell he was restless and needed a nap, but we were almost done with the meeting so I dug through my purse to try and find something that will keep him occupied. I pulled out a big, red, heart-shaped, Valentine lollipop a student had given me a few days ago. It kept him busy as he worked hard to get the entire flavor out of that stick.  It was so pretty and shiny, he hardly kept it in his mouth.  He just enjoyed looking at it.  It actually kept him quiet all the way to the car where he fell asleep with the lollipop still in his hand.

I glanced back at my sleeping toddler, and he looked so peaceful snuggled in his little car seat.  I took the lollipop out of his hand, and cleaned his hand and mouth with a wet wipe.  We arrived at our next stop, ready to run some errands.  Once I took Neo out of his car seat, he began kicking, crying, screaming, and arching his back.  I tried to give him his lollipop back, but it was too late.  He smacked the candy out of my hand, and it cracked on the pavement. Everything else I gave him, he pushed away and continued to wail. Oh no! What happened to the peacefully sleeping toddler?  We had a full-blown terrible-twos tantrum!

This is the part where, as mothers, we think, “What is wrong with this kid? Is he sick? Is he ADHD? Oh no! I poisoned my child! I should have given him a carrot stick instead!”  All these thoughts begin to set in.  People are looking.  They’re probably thinking, “They must be new parents” or “That couple needs Jesus. I’d hate to be them.” Other thoughts are still rattling in my brain.  I have three loads of laundry when I get home.  It’s already three o’clock, and I didn’t wash my kids’ uniforms for tomorrow. We still need to grocery shop.  We have no food in the fridge to cook for dinner tonight. Why did I just remember the car registration expired two weeks ago? I was so angry that my human instincts tell me to slap this embarrassing kid and show him who’s boss. How dare! He’s making a fool of me!  I look at my husband, who is so calm and I want to tell him to do something, hello? 

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. -Psalm 46:1

I glance at my other two kids who are laughing and playing around with each other.  This tantrum does not seem to bother them. Audrey tickles Elias and looks away when he turns. He treads quickly ahead of her giggling. Audrey turns toward me and notices my distraught eyes. She smiles, and says, “Are you okay mom? I love you.” Then I see Jason holding Neo’s hand, rubbing his hair trying to soothe him.  In the moment, under my breath, I say, “Thank you, Jesus.” Immediately, I feel the presence of the Lord. And my mind is only set on how blessed I am to serve a living God. Bless the Lord!  I pick Neo up and give him the most nurturing mommy hug, wipe his tears away, tell him I love him, and redirect his attention elsewhere.  I don't know what Neo was feeling.  He's not old enough to fully express it using words, but I know he really needed the comfort of his mother. He finally stopped crying after a minute or two.

What does a talking donkey have to do with this, you ask?

Last night, Audrey and I had devotion.  We read Numbers 22, the story of Balaam’s talking donkey.  Balak, the Moab king’s son, sends officials to summon Balaam to curse the Israelites because he fears what they did to the Amorites, they will do to the Moabites.  Balaam gets on his donkey and goes with the officials, but God was angry.  God sends an angel to stand in the way of Balaam’s journey. The donkey sees the angel, and diverges to another direction three times. Upset, Balaam beats the donkey, and wants to kill him. Then God opens the donkey’s mouth and Balaam’s eyes.  The donkey expresses his loyalty, and Balaam sees the angel of the Lord.  The angel told him he would have killed him and spared the donkey.  Balaam quickly repents when he realizes this was God’s plan.

You see, sometimes I don’t understand God’s plan for me, but I trust His plan is better.  In my anger, if I react, I may miss out on opportunities to fulfill God’s purpose. If I gave into my anger and reacted to Neo’s little lollipop meltdown, I would have had a tantrum similar to Neo’s tantrum. Balaam told his donkey that he made him look like a fool (kinda how I felt), but the donkey replied, “Am I not your own donkey you have always ridden to this day.” (Numbers 22:30) If the donkey didn’t turn away, the angel would have killed Balaam.  What would happen to me if I don’t recognize the screen doors in front of my face? (read my previous post). When I call out to Jesus, and take refuge in him, he renews my strength and helps me from the unbearable moments to the minor times of trouble.

Anger is such a complex emotion.  It feels good, temporarily, to give into my anger, and punch a face or two or ten (figuratively speaking). But often times, I regret the way I handle the situation, even if the outcome turned in my favor. Yes, adults can throw some of the most horrid tantrums, maybe not over a lollipop, but over some other things.  God blesses me with anger so I may know when something's up. When I'm angry, frustrated, or distressed, I know there's a problem.  When I know there's a problem, I know God is refining me and drawing me closer to him somehow, and I need to hold fast to His word and prayer.

What causes your lollipop tantrums?  In the midst of it, does it make you wanna whip a donkey’s behind? God doesn’t give us such vivid clues like talking donkeys or visions of angels. But if we call out for Jesus and seek him daily, the voice of the donkey and the image of the angel may become clearer. Maybe we don't get our lollipop, but we witness the love of Christ in His way.

The Flesh, Spirit, and My Sweet Strong-Willed Child

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. -Romans 3:23

Encourage one another daily, as long as it is called “Today,” so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness. –Hebrews 3:13

I trust that the battles my children fight, they will overcome because Jesus overcame.  Sometimes I wish I could fix my child’s problems and take control over their situation.  But I love my children.  I reluctantly stop myself when I suddenly remember that it is their problem, not mine.  If I fix their problem so quickly, how will they be able to develop coping skills? How will they be able to draw closer to God and depend on him?

The Flesh 

As I mentioned in a previous post, I confiscated my daughter’s ipad.  As a teacher, and a pretty tech savvy millennial myself, I am all for technology.  However, I agree it can be pretty addicting.  When I see my child’s character is on the line when they do not follow the house tech rules, God calls me to step in.  In our house, the kids could go on their devices when chores and homework are done.  They shall put it away fifteen minutes before bedtime.  I would like to trust that they are following these rules, and that I do not have to take it away before bedtime.  But they are children (in the flesh).  And, oh, how in the flesh, we are tempted! 1 John 1:8 says, “If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.”  It’s important we guard ourselves against sin by fleeing from temptation (2 Timothy 2).  This means we should not go near the fire at all!  FLEE! Sometimes, that’s not always the case. So here’s the good news.  When we are tempted, the Lord will provide a way out (1 Corinthians 10).

My daughter is no different.  She is made of flesh and blood.  The other night, I caught her on the ipad way past bedtime.  Bear in mind, she just got it back for another incident two weeks prior.  My flesh wanted break the ipad and yell, ‘How dare you defy me, you UNGRATEFUL little girl!’ Afterall, God did say for children to obey their parents (Ephesians 6:11).  My blood boils, ‘SINNER!’ But as a mother, God chose me to minister to her and help her through these trials. So, I held back and meditated on Ephesians 6:4.  Do not exasperate your children, do not exasperate your children, do not exasperate your children. Okay, I’m calmed.  “Audrey,” I said, “Give me your ipad.  You know the rules and consequences. Now I will take it for the rest of the night and tomorrow.”

Did I mention, I have a strong willed daughter? Well, I have a strong willed daughter.  Boy, she let out such a big wail and scream, it woke up the whole house! Here comes my flesh again.  Do not exasperate your children, do not exasperate your children, do not exasperate your children.  I was so angry, but should not give the devil a foothold (Ephesians 4:26). 

Since I have a strong willed child, I do a lot of research.  Over the years, through the help of our family, our church family, and Dr. James Dobson’s book, we found strategies that are effective I’d like to share. I found Dr. James Dobson’s book Surviving Birth Through Adolescence: The New Strong-Willed Child and amazing read.  He has the most effective biblical-based strategies. He mentioned that one of the most ineffective strategies is displaying anger and verbal outburst.

Over the past two days, we endured a pretty salty attitude and some mouthy and disrespectful remarks as reprisal.  As much as I’d love my daughter to express her emotions and feel it’s healthy to vent, I am by no means an emotional garbage disposals. She went through spasms of stomps, eye rolls, and “You love my brothers more than me,” and “It’s not fair,” and “I know you don’t really care about how I feel,” to “I just wanna slap you in the face.”  Do you feel me yet?

The Spirit

At this point, I could see how she wants so much to freely vent, but does not fully understand how to do this in a respectful manner.  When I told my husband about the incidents, he was boiling too.  But there is freedom in the Spirit of the Lord.  Through our anger, God leads us to encourage one another by turning to his word and prayer.  God’s given me his Holy Spirit to help me through these trials.  How do I know God’s Spirit is with me?  I would see the fruit of the spirit.  This is something our children’s ministry knows well. In Galatians 5, I learned that the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, patience, gentleness, and self-control. The Spirit and the flesh are in conflict with each other, but if I walk by the Spirit, I will not give into human desires.

If I want my kids to honor God, they shall learn how to honor their mother and father beginning with respect.  Sometimes children, like many adults too, do not understand what they are feeling, why they feel that way, or even how to communicate these feelings.  I spent the last two days praying and fasting through the flu for my daughter.  Even through these hard times, I continue to rejoice I the Lord and I prayed and fasted for my daughter. 

For I know that through your prayers, and God’s provision of the Spirit of Jesus Christ what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. – Phillippians 1:19

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the god of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. -2 Corinthians 1:3-4

My Sweet Strong-Willed Child

Today, Audrey continued to defy and disrespect, and the more I took away from her, the more she retaliated.  It became obvious that she needed to be taught how to handle her frustrations and vent in a healthy manner.  This is the part where we teach Audrey about R-E-S-P-E-C-T (sock it to me). I sat her down and asked her to pray with me.  She at first grieved the Holy Spirit, saying she’s been praying, but God’s not hearing her or helping her.  Through the anger and frustrated tone, she said, “God made me like this!” In the moment, I was so shocked and appalled so I called unto God to help me talk to Audrey.  God’s Spirit spoke to me. I recalled our pastor telling us that God’s word is used best for rebuking. 

I told her, “You’re right, God made you in his image. He gave you all these feelings and emotions.  God also has feelings and emotions.  It’s a gift he’s given us to help us care and love Him and others, and to help us recognize right from wrong.  He gave us emotions, but He did not make you disrespectful.  That is something you chose. Because God’s word tells us that He wants to prosper us and not harm us.” I could see her face change, and I know she’s heard this message before.  Sometimes, kids just need to hear it again. I continued, “It’s fine, Audrey, to feel angry, sad, frustrated, and hurt.  But it’s not okay to speak so disrespectfully.”  This definitely started a real dialogue between the two of us.

Audrey mostly cried, and I told her that the way she’s been behaving lately will not bring her ipad back.  In fact, it’s making it worse.  I continued, “Let’s try to recognize what you are feeling, and then tell me what you feel.  Once you figure out how you are really feeling rather than reacting to the situation, maybe you will be able to figure out how to deal with it, and ask God for help.  But God will turn his face away from those who turn from Him.”

Surely the arm of the Lords is not too short to save, nor his ear too dull to hear.  But your iniquities have separated you from your God; you sins have hidden his face from you, so that he will not hear –Isaiah 59:1-2

Audrey turned toward me, and said, “Mom, I feel sad.”  I hugged her, and she cried the most painful cry.  “I don’t know why I feel this way, but I just do. And sometimes I’m confused about how I’m feeling, and it makes me mad.”  She mentioned about some things that are bothering her, and that her ipad distracts her from the real problems. Wow! Now I understand.

Oh man, I think puberty just kicked in! Lord, have mercy.  We had a good hug and cry for about 15 minutes until Audrey apologized and repented (Awww). We prayed and I listened to her.  I would be easy to butt into all her problems, but sometimes children just need a listening ear and encouragement, much like how God shows he loves us.  This is how God moved in my life today.  How amazing is our creator! I told Audrey to trust and believe in God, for God is faithful.  We do not have to fight it because Jesus already won the victory for us on the cross.  All we have to do is give it all up to Him. Even through though my body and mind were weak from the flu, God gave me strength.

But take heart; I have overcome the world –John 16:33

Truth is, we live in a broken world, and with sin comes selfishness, despair, our bodies break down, our plans don’t pull through, our determinations weaken, our perspectives become unclear, our dreams die.  The bible tells us we will suffer, be persecuted, and experience all kinds of trials.  But when we fail to encourage one another, we fail to spread God’s love.  Audrey would have continued to feel unloved, useless, forgotten, unimportant.  Today, grace was needed, and today, we experienced God’s grace.  I am blessed! Would you pray this prayer with me today?

Heavenly father,

Thank you for your great love for us, even though I am imperfect and flawed. I pray you give me the heart to love and encourage others.  I pray that you give me the wisdom to know how to show it.  Remove all iniquities in me and help me to desire righteousness to build others up and not bring them down.  Lord, you are a God that delights in your people, and you rejoice over us when we keep your commands and share in your love and grace with others.  Teach us how to bless others for your glory. Quiet me with your Spirit, and help me to be a comforting embrace to my children.  I humbly ask this in the mighty name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

For the Love

I woke up this morning to find a message from our pastor on our church's whatsapp chat.

Although I'm down with the flu, and physically in pain, I'm filled with joy because it's a reminder of God’s love and grace.  Christians often have a reputation of being hypocrites, as in we don’t practice what we preach.  God does not like us to judge people, but he's given us the gift of judgement so that we may be able to discern right and wrong. It's important as Christians, we do not make assumptions about God based off of the way other Christians live their lives.  Remember, we are NOT perfect, but God is!

In my youth, I spent some time at the back of church, judging the people in front of me.  I thought, “How could they raise their hands to God knowing the sins they committed just yesterday!” It didn’t hit me until almost ten years later. It took a long time to understand what it means to be covered by God’s grace, and through that time, God was preparing me to fulfill the call.

I spent the last week battling motherhood, a teaching career, and not to mention, the flu.  Just in the past two days, I grounded my daughter for using her ipad past bedtime, made Valentine goody bags for two classes, took my daughter to her play rehearsals, registered my eldest for his driving test, broke up two fights at school, wrote two substitute lesson plans, maintained a cleanly home, and managed to put dinner on the table under some mild OTC medication.  True, we live in a busy, and pretty distracting world.  It’s easy to get caught up in “life,” and forget what we are living for.  When I ask my students what they live for, many of their responses are simple: my family, my friends, to get a job, to make a better life.  It all boils down to the love they have for each other.  LOVE. 

How do we know what true love is? How can we recognize it in this world? Through some harsh life lessons, I learned how to discern God's love rather than live by subjective feelings.  Trust. I'm still going through it.  But here's what I have so far.

#1 Hear the Call

When I first gave my life to Christ, I was seventeen years old, a senior in high school.  My parents forced me into a private school after I got myself into trouble in public school.  Apparently, they though I needed Jesus (they were right!). I attended a youth service, and there was an alter call.  I spent almost a year going to youth service, but I always sat in the back, and hesitated to go up for prayer.  I finally felt the nudge (it must have been the Holy Spirit), and the conviction overwhelmed me.  My experience during that time, I can't explain in words.  All I can say is, I met Jesus, and knew it was him. I felt his love surround me as the song I surrender resonated in my heart.  

All to Jesus I surrender,

Humbly at His feet I bow,
Worldly pleasures all forsaken;
Take me, Jesus, take me now.

It was such an uplifting feeling.  It was as if I heard his voice faintly, my troubles were gone. Afterwards, I just wanted to seek him and follow his word, just so I could feel his presence again.

#2 Recognize False Teaching

But when I entered college, I became skeptical.  As an English major at the university, many of my required reading material were written by profound atheist such as Freud, Nietzsche, and Foucault. I started looking up to these people with such fluid intellect. It was then I began seeking the meaning of existence through the psychology and exploration of the human condition.  I was so eager to craft my own identity that the voice of Jesus became fainter and fainter, until I did not even think about Him. I traded my bible for philosophical texts. I questioned whether God really existed or if he was just another character in a cultural myth.  When your foundation is not set upon Jesus and God's word, it's easy to discard it. In the Christian world, we call this backsliding. Life became centered around me, and the things I learned did not compliment biblical doctrine. Big UH OH! I searched for love the world had to offer, and I often mixed up love with emotion. I based love off of how someone or something made me feel, and I based life off of my accomplishments. Totally subjective! The bible clearly tells us,

"Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love" (1 John 4:8).

I was convinced that we give and show love by a set of standards, and I learned through bits of pop literature. Purchasing roses on valentines, going on dates, not cheating, buying gifts, being supportive, etc... All which are wonderful, but this was my only standard of love. In my first year of college, quit attending church and bible study, fell out of fellowship, and  became pregnant. Anyone who had kids while going to school understands the struggle is real! My college years were a time of confusion and distress. I left home and became engaged without my parents’ blessings. I began  picking and choosing the parts of adulthood I’d like to adopt, and tried to make it work. Eventually, I went through a bad break-up that ended in a lot of shattered glass, broken furniture, a lease I couldn’t pay, and a child I was not prepared for. 

Then: Audrey and Mommy 2009                                Now: Audrey's Baptism 2017

It was then I realized that the identity I was creating for myself was definitely not working because I really did not have control over my life.  Actually, my life was totally out-of-control. I was a broke student, jobless, in debt, and I had no diapers or food for my baby.  I finally had enough! I fell on my knees, and prayed for forgiveness and guidance, giving it all up to the Man! In the Christian world, we call this repentance.  In the midst of my troubles, I lost faith. But this is what the Lord had done for me.

“He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.  He said to his disciples, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?” Mark 4:39-40

#3 Repent and Be Baptized

I told God that I will no longer do things my way, but I will follow his word, and I will first start by honoring my mother and father.  You see, I’ve always been a pretty rebellious teenager.  I left home trying to do things my way, but found myself returning as the prodigal son, or daughter in this case (Luke 15:11-32). At the age of 21, I repented and meditated day and night on two bible verses.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding.  In all ways, acknowledge him, and he will make your path straight. Proverbs 3:5-6

Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you Exodus 20:12

I remembered on youth night the pastor preached about this being the first commandment with a promise.  For some reason (It must have been the Holy Spirit), I remembered this in the midst of my trials.  In Proverbs 22:6, God tells us “Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.”  Was it too late for me to begin honoring my mother and father?  I was 21, about to graduate from college! I was a mother myself, but realized how much of a child I really was.  Spiritually, I was still a baby, and this meant, it was going to take me while to fully repent of my sins.  Because I spent years living in confusion, it was difficult to know truly what is right from wrong. For example, I always thought it was okay to live with your SO and “test the waters” before marriage.  I thought this was a good thing because making a promise for a lifetime is a big thing. And in 1 Thessalonians 5:21, Paul said to "test all things."   But God is clearly against cohabitation so that marriage stayed undefiled and sacred. And I'm pretty sure He meant "test all things" so it may correspond to scripture.

Over the next few years, God guided my every step.  I prayed for a husband, and shortly after I met Jason, who happened to be a single parent too.  I told him on our first date that I'm only in this for marriage, and wanted to do things the right way, especially to model that to our kids.  To my surprise, he wasn't scared off (there's the Holy Spirit again). We got married with my parents blessing. Throughout our marriage, God weaved godly people into our lives.  I began teaching Reading in middle school, and one of the teachers was a pastor who became a good friend of mine.  Her family ministered to mine, and my husband and I sought God and were baptized. In the book of Acts, the disciple Peter, preaches, 

“Peter replied, repent and be baptized every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins.  And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit (Acts 2:38)

It was then I decided to serve the Lord, and I was blessed that my husband wanted the same.

Water Baptism 2014

#4 Receive His Love and Grace

Here’s what I learned.  God’s love is free, his grace is free.  Jesus gave up his life so that we may live.  God made a covenant with his people, and gave us boundaries to live within.  His Holy Spirit lives through his word, and lives within us. All we have to do is believe and receive his grace and love.  When we struggle to believe that God’s promises will come, that is unbelief.  Galatians 5:6 says faith works by love.  Love is what moves our faith forward.  The lack of love diminishes our faith.

A few months ago, my husband's job was on the line. The company he worked for was downsizing, and he moved to another position.  We were blessed that this position came with a larger salary.  We knew it would be temporary so we prayed.  We knew that only God was in control of all circumstances, and he loves us.  We remained faithful, and followed what He wanted us to do.  However, the fear began to set in when he had an opportunity to move to another company, the company in which we had been praying for, but with a lesser pay.  He took the job, but the stress increased making it easy to turn on each other.  We fought the natural responses in our flesh, but would not let our circumstances blind us to God’s love.  Romans 8 tells us that nothing can separate us from God’s love.

We receive God’s love, given to us freely. Although we still sin, we do not live in sin.  Instead, we live under God’s grace. Now, I look to the cross, where Jesus bore all sin and pain, where even heaven turned their face from Him.  Romans 6 says that we died with Christ, and will also live with him.

National Day of Prayer 2017

#5 Answer the Call

Living with Christ means doing all things through Him.  It means living according to His will, His word, His way. In the Christian world, we call this answering the call. Read the bible, pray, and serve. Connect with a church family.  My family and I continue seek his word, pray alone and together, and serve God in the ministries.  If we are growing in Christ, our focus should be on him, and serving others because it is one way to serve the Lord.  

Mark 10:45 says, “For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.”  

God wants all he has saved to serve in ministry, whether it is to be a mother or father with their children, a teacher or mentor, to worship in music, or just to be an encouragement to others.

I’m not saying to neglect your responsibilities at home to serve the church, but I am encouraging a ministry mindset.  Ministry is a matter of heart, not tasks.  God has given each of us spiritual gifts and talents.  What is gift has God given you? How can you use it to serve Him and others? For God so loved…He gave… (John 3:16)

Vacation Bible School 2017

RCCG Maranatha Chapel Guam

Church Family 2017

If we are created in the image of God, he is also calling us to LOVE and GIVE too. 

If you'd like me to pray for you, or even if you have any questions or comments, please feel free to leave a message or email me directly.  I appreciate prayer requests, comments, and questions.  However, please do not troll. Thank you.

Running into Screen Doors

-Look beyond me to Jesus

There is only one reason why I started blogging. One name…Jesus.  This blog is not about me, it’s beyond me, it’s about HIM. I write for God, and he brings the readers.  If you’ve stumbled across this blog, there is a divine reason.  If you think it’s by chance, I challenge you to read Romans 8.  I do not believe in chance, but I love God, and believe he predestined, called, justified, and glorified. Annointed by God, I write to testify of God’s great love.  Through this blog, I bear witness of God’s grace in hopes that you may share fellowship with me, and we may fellowship with the Father.  I blog so that you may be encouraged by my stories, and so you may know that in whatever circumstances, we have an advocate who is Jesus Christ. The Holy Spirit inspired me to start this blog after reading 1 John.  Please read this book. I pray that as you read on, study His word, your heart will be ministered to, and your joy made complete in Jesus’ name.

If you love Jesus, we already have something in common. This site is for YOU!

If you are interested in family, parenting, marriage, ministry, teaching, this site is for YOU!

If you are not too sure how you feel about God, or even question His existence, this site is for YOU!

If you’ve ever wandered about the meaning of life, this site is for YOU!

If you just like to read stories about different people, this site is for YOU!

If you are reading this now, and want to stop, don’t. This site is for YOU!

Running into screen doors is something I do a lot.  Not literally, but it's another way of saying I am a clumsy little thing, and sometimes my mind runs faster than my feet. When I was younger, air conditioning was expensive, and Guam is HOT! After riding bikes with my siblings and cousins all afternoon, we’d race back to the house for a popsicle.  Without thinking, I would run plum into the screen door.  My big nose hit that mesh sheet, I tasted a salty metallic flavor, then my butt kissed the concrete.  Of course, I’d face the embarrassing laughter and “clumsy” labels from the other kids. But eventually I slowed my role and opened the door properly. finally got the cherry flavored icy pop that made my tongue and lips redder than my blushing bruised cheeks. And all is forgotten. "Oh!" I thought, "How I wish that door wasn't there!"

Mindshift!

Sometimes God puts screen doors in front of us.  It’s not a glass or wooden door, so it doesn’t hurt too bad when we run into it.  It’s a screen that gives us a peek into the good stuff when we have the urge to fast forward. The door's been there all along, but i'm too in a rush to see it in front of my face. My focus is on what's behind the door, rather than the blessing of the door.  The door is there to keep insects away, to keep me cool on a hot day, to let the sunshine in. Yes, it's an obstacle in the way of what thought was the prize (that cherry icy yumminess on a stick).

BUT...

That's not at all true. You see, the door is a blessing. It slowed me down so that I may see what's in front of me. The prize is me.  And the star of the show is Jesus.  He paid the price on the cross and won the victory over my sin. You see, God wants us to slow down a little bit, and put him first.  He wants us to experience the blessings he's already poured out. He puts these blessings in disguise for us to remember that He is there, He comes first, and He is in control.  If I kept doing things my way, I would keep running into screen doors. You could call this post the screen door. 

BAM!  You just ran right into it.  

Is God touching your heart now?  If you feel that small tug, stick around. There may be blessings in your life right now that you are unaware of. Sometimes we wonder, is God really listening? Why isn't he answering my prayers? If he loves me, why does he let bad things happen? He does love you, so much that he gave his only son so that we may live (John 3:16). He is listening. He hears all your prayers. Maybe it's just time to slow down, listen, and experience God's blessings. 2 Peter 3:9 tells us, "The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness.  Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." 

Although this blog is not about me, it is about Him, God uses me as an instrument to bear witness of Him, and spread the gospel.  I'd like to share about my walk with God. Now, I not by any means, an expert. So please do not quote me for any dissertations. I'd like you to look beyond me however, and see Christ and all his goodness. He knew me before I was born, and he planned, and predestined this blog. I hope you are blessed as you read more posts.