The Flesh, Spirit, and My Sweet Strong-Willed Child

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. -Romans 3:23

Encourage one another daily, as long as it is called “Today,” so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness. –Hebrews 3:13

I trust that the battles my children fight, they will overcome because Jesus overcame.  Sometimes I wish I could fix my child’s problems and take control over their situation.  But I love my children.  I reluctantly stop myself when I suddenly remember that it is their problem, not mine.  If I fix their problem so quickly, how will they be able to develop coping skills? How will they be able to draw closer to God and depend on him?

The Flesh 

As I mentioned in a previous post, I confiscated my daughter’s ipad.  As a teacher, and a pretty tech savvy millennial myself, I am all for technology.  However, I agree it can be pretty addicting.  When I see my child’s character is on the line when they do not follow the house tech rules, God calls me to step in.  In our house, the kids could go on their devices when chores and homework are done.  They shall put it away fifteen minutes before bedtime.  I would like to trust that they are following these rules, and that I do not have to take it away before bedtime.  But they are children (in the flesh).  And, oh, how in the flesh, we are tempted! 1 John 1:8 says, “If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.”  It’s important we guard ourselves against sin by fleeing from temptation (2 Timothy 2).  This means we should not go near the fire at all!  FLEE! Sometimes, that’s not always the case. So here’s the good news.  When we are tempted, the Lord will provide a way out (1 Corinthians 10).

My daughter is no different.  She is made of flesh and blood.  The other night, I caught her on the ipad way past bedtime.  Bear in mind, she just got it back for another incident two weeks prior.  My flesh wanted break the ipad and yell, ‘How dare you defy me, you UNGRATEFUL little girl!’ Afterall, God did say for children to obey their parents (Ephesians 6:11).  My blood boils, ‘SINNER!’ But as a mother, God chose me to minister to her and help her through these trials. So, I held back and meditated on Ephesians 6:4.  Do not exasperate your children, do not exasperate your children, do not exasperate your children. Okay, I’m calmed.  “Audrey,” I said, “Give me your ipad.  You know the rules and consequences. Now I will take it for the rest of the night and tomorrow.”

Did I mention, I have a strong willed daughter? Well, I have a strong willed daughter.  Boy, she let out such a big wail and scream, it woke up the whole house! Here comes my flesh again.  Do not exasperate your children, do not exasperate your children, do not exasperate your children.  I was so angry, but should not give the devil a foothold (Ephesians 4:26). 

Since I have a strong willed child, I do a lot of research.  Over the years, through the help of our family, our church family, and Dr. James Dobson’s book, we found strategies that are effective I’d like to share. I found Dr. James Dobson’s book Surviving Birth Through Adolescence: The New Strong-Willed Child and amazing read.  He has the most effective biblical-based strategies. He mentioned that one of the most ineffective strategies is displaying anger and verbal outburst.

Over the past two days, we endured a pretty salty attitude and some mouthy and disrespectful remarks as reprisal.  As much as I’d love my daughter to express her emotions and feel it’s healthy to vent, I am by no means an emotional garbage disposals. She went through spasms of stomps, eye rolls, and “You love my brothers more than me,” and “It’s not fair,” and “I know you don’t really care about how I feel,” to “I just wanna slap you in the face.”  Do you feel me yet?

The Spirit

At this point, I could see how she wants so much to freely vent, but does not fully understand how to do this in a respectful manner.  When I told my husband about the incidents, he was boiling too.  But there is freedom in the Spirit of the Lord.  Through our anger, God leads us to encourage one another by turning to his word and prayer.  God’s given me his Holy Spirit to help me through these trials.  How do I know God’s Spirit is with me?  I would see the fruit of the spirit.  This is something our children’s ministry knows well. In Galatians 5, I learned that the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, patience, gentleness, and self-control. The Spirit and the flesh are in conflict with each other, but if I walk by the Spirit, I will not give into human desires.

If I want my kids to honor God, they shall learn how to honor their mother and father beginning with respect.  Sometimes children, like many adults too, do not understand what they are feeling, why they feel that way, or even how to communicate these feelings.  I spent the last two days praying and fasting through the flu for my daughter.  Even through these hard times, I continue to rejoice I the Lord and I prayed and fasted for my daughter. 

For I know that through your prayers, and God’s provision of the Spirit of Jesus Christ what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. – Phillippians 1:19

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the god of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. -2 Corinthians 1:3-4

My Sweet Strong-Willed Child

Today, Audrey continued to defy and disrespect, and the more I took away from her, the more she retaliated.  It became obvious that she needed to be taught how to handle her frustrations and vent in a healthy manner.  This is the part where we teach Audrey about R-E-S-P-E-C-T (sock it to me). I sat her down and asked her to pray with me.  She at first grieved the Holy Spirit, saying she’s been praying, but God’s not hearing her or helping her.  Through the anger and frustrated tone, she said, “God made me like this!” In the moment, I was so shocked and appalled so I called unto God to help me talk to Audrey.  God’s Spirit spoke to me. I recalled our pastor telling us that God’s word is used best for rebuking. 

I told her, “You’re right, God made you in his image. He gave you all these feelings and emotions.  God also has feelings and emotions.  It’s a gift he’s given us to help us care and love Him and others, and to help us recognize right from wrong.  He gave us emotions, but He did not make you disrespectful.  That is something you chose. Because God’s word tells us that He wants to prosper us and not harm us.” I could see her face change, and I know she’s heard this message before.  Sometimes, kids just need to hear it again. I continued, “It’s fine, Audrey, to feel angry, sad, frustrated, and hurt.  But it’s not okay to speak so disrespectfully.”  This definitely started a real dialogue between the two of us.

Audrey mostly cried, and I told her that the way she’s been behaving lately will not bring her ipad back.  In fact, it’s making it worse.  I continued, “Let’s try to recognize what you are feeling, and then tell me what you feel.  Once you figure out how you are really feeling rather than reacting to the situation, maybe you will be able to figure out how to deal with it, and ask God for help.  But God will turn his face away from those who turn from Him.”

Surely the arm of the Lords is not too short to save, nor his ear too dull to hear.  But your iniquities have separated you from your God; you sins have hidden his face from you, so that he will not hear –Isaiah 59:1-2

Audrey turned toward me, and said, “Mom, I feel sad.”  I hugged her, and she cried the most painful cry.  “I don’t know why I feel this way, but I just do. And sometimes I’m confused about how I’m feeling, and it makes me mad.”  She mentioned about some things that are bothering her, and that her ipad distracts her from the real problems. Wow! Now I understand.

Oh man, I think puberty just kicked in! Lord, have mercy.  We had a good hug and cry for about 15 minutes until Audrey apologized and repented (Awww). We prayed and I listened to her.  I would be easy to butt into all her problems, but sometimes children just need a listening ear and encouragement, much like how God shows he loves us.  This is how God moved in my life today.  How amazing is our creator! I told Audrey to trust and believe in God, for God is faithful.  We do not have to fight it because Jesus already won the victory for us on the cross.  All we have to do is give it all up to Him. Even through though my body and mind were weak from the flu, God gave me strength.

But take heart; I have overcome the world –John 16:33

Truth is, we live in a broken world, and with sin comes selfishness, despair, our bodies break down, our plans don’t pull through, our determinations weaken, our perspectives become unclear, our dreams die.  The bible tells us we will suffer, be persecuted, and experience all kinds of trials.  But when we fail to encourage one another, we fail to spread God’s love.  Audrey would have continued to feel unloved, useless, forgotten, unimportant.  Today, grace was needed, and today, we experienced God’s grace.  I am blessed! Would you pray this prayer with me today?

Heavenly father,

Thank you for your great love for us, even though I am imperfect and flawed. I pray you give me the heart to love and encourage others.  I pray that you give me the wisdom to know how to show it.  Remove all iniquities in me and help me to desire righteousness to build others up and not bring them down.  Lord, you are a God that delights in your people, and you rejoice over us when we keep your commands and share in your love and grace with others.  Teach us how to bless others for your glory. Quiet me with your Spirit, and help me to be a comforting embrace to my children.  I humbly ask this in the mighty name of Jesus Christ. Amen.